Looking back now, I had not fallen asleep naturally in over twenty years. My body would just pass out from the overdose of my daily liquor intake. Learning how to live a normal life was the least of my worries. I was much more concerned with simply living.
I can still see my daily routine in full focus as I meditate deep into my sub conscience. It is not a place where I like to dwell, but somehow I feel that it is important to go back for a minute every now and again to validate my sickness. In the world of recovery, we call this rewinding the tape.
It is a bright sunny morning. I can tell because the piercing light is shining through the broken and chipped blinds of my bedroom window. My body is aching for another drink as my mind is trying to remember just how I made it to the bed at all. First things first, I must get up and get my day moving and try to pretend that I am not sick. As I crawl and roll over to the edge of the bed, I can feel my legs shaking as if they were filled with jello. My arms are bruised, the result of any gentle touch. This bruising is caused by a reaction where the body cannot break down ingested alcohol completely. (the first warning signs of alcoholism)
I begin to take one risky step off the edge of the bed bracing myself for the inevitable fall. As I lean over and place one foot solidly on the ground, boom, I fall flat on my face. At this point, I am in full panic mode as I am not sure if I will be able to get myself up. I crawl back to the side of the bed where my night stand sits next to the far wall. I reach for the bottom drawer and pray that I find my morning fix. My hand is rummaging through the drawer as I lay on the floor, feeling for a full mini bottle of vodka that I would keep for this exact moment. Yes, I say to myself, I found one, way in the back amongst all of the emptys. I struggle to get the cap off and immediately down my morning glory.
Once again within in minutes, my body is coming to life. Never failed me, just enough to be able to stand on my two feet and get to the kitchen. As I walk towards the kitchen at a very slow pace, I feel my stomach starting to churn, indeed I need to get sick. I welcome the release of all of the toxins, knowing that this will free my body up to handle more. A quick shower follows and then back to the kitchen for a tall glass of vodka and a splash of OJ. In minutes, I was out the door and on my way to another day.
Although my battle with addiction is now completely under control, I am more aware than ever that life is a battle for so many, each and every day. My prayers go out to anyone who is struggling, that you will find the answer and the peace that you so deserve. The choice is within.
To read the complete story of my journey, you can pick up my new book “In the Weeds” now available at and .